Letters to Me: What I Wish I Had Known about Loving a Special Needs Child

Recently, a friend asked me to write a blog post in the form of a letter. Specifically, a letter I wish I could have read at some particular point in my life. I thought about a few different points, but this one seemed the best. Knowing what I know now, what would I have said to myself, or any woman, as a young mom of a child with special needs? 

Echoing Elsa here -- dear young mom, Let it go. All the extra mess you don't need. But grace and Jesus? (Which are the same thing.) Hang on to them.

November 8, 1991

Dear younger me,

Look into the face of your little girl. That first one, having her first birthday party. (Yes, one more will be here soon. You will survive.) The one whose colic kept you up for months, who didn't sleep though the night until you made her at nine months old. (You will still regret that 25 years later. Don't do it. It's not worth the extra sleep.)

The one who started walking at nine months and climbing to the top the jungle gym yesterday. The one who has already foiled every baby gate, crib rail, and door knob safety cover ever invented. She will foil every plan you have for her, too, so you might as well get ready.

Get ready by letting go. Take a deep breath and tell yourself a few things now that will be a blessing later.

God made your child different. And amazing. And it's OK. You will not understand your child's behavior. She won't get a diagnosis for years. But you will get tons of unsolicited advice on what may be the problem. Smile. Then ignore it. It won't work, and advice given in judgment is not from God. Get on your knees constantly and ask Him what is best for your child. He knows.

Believe that her difference is beautiful. Don't accept that it is something to be ashamed of. Don't even allow those shame-mongers to get into your heart. You have to guard her heart, too, and you can't if you're not guarding the gates of yours. Tell her every day she is amazing and created for a special purpose. Tell yourself that, too. You will need it. You both will. 

So, that impish eye wink should have been a clue.

You don't have to make everyone else happy. This child will be high maintenance. You will be the one judged for this. People at church will give you those glances. You know the ones. You've given them yourself. The ones that say, “Well you're an epic fail mom. Don't you know what the Bible says about controlling your kids?”

You don't have to please those people. They have no authority over your parenting or life. Your worth as a human was established in Genesis when God said you were made in His image and it was very good. Your worth was cemented when Jesus made you into a new creation. It does not depend on the affirmation of people who should be giving you the grace of Jesus but are rather giving you the stink eye. Give them grace. And let them go.

You don't have to apologize for your child. There will be one moment in particular. A woman, in the pool parking lot, whose car door your child just slightly nicked. She will go all Kardashian drama queen on you over it. You will apologize and offer insurance information. She will not be satisfied. Don't give in to the temptation to shame your child so both adults can feel better. Look that woman in the eye. Tell her you apologized once, and you're done. You don't need to earn her approval. You can't. The rest is on her. People will try to shame you and your child for behavior that is, clearly, that of a child. You don't need to accept it. Be free. Let those people go.

You are the one God trusts for this job. He won't fail you, and you won't fail Him. No one else's expectations matter. You don't have to do this perfectly. So lighten up on your own expectations. Lighten up on your kid and listen to her. Hold her when she has no idea what's going on in her head or body. Know she's as confused as you are. And you'll both survive if you hold on to grace. Let graceless perfection go.

Eventually, you will be in the fight of your life for this child. It will change you. It will grow you. You will become a force for grace you never imagined you believed in, let alone that impassioned your life. Then again, maybe I should not tell you this. No one needs to know when the future will hold great pain. We find that out, by the goodness of God, only when we need to.

That one-year-old dynamo will be amazing. And so will you. Just love her. And hang on to Jesus.

James 4:1 ff - What Is the Source of Conflict?

The Messy and the Neat Freak  as a metaphor on a primary source of human conflict

The folks who love their space to be neat as a pin are often unhappy when their spouses, children or office mates fall into the "messy" category. To be sure, many of the "messy" people in their life may not be that messy. It often doesn't take much to make the neatnik squirm.

Messies fall into two categories. The true messy who has no interest in cleaning anything, and is perfectly content to live in swill. The other group is the frustrated perfectionists.  I know this group.  I am one. I would like everything in life to be perfect, but since it is impossible, I've long since given up. My goal in life is Good Enough.

The Bible give us the reason for conflicts, large and small:  James 4:1 NIV What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight.

So, the person who desires a neat environment and covets a perfect room, home, or work space, is in conflict with the person who desires to have a more casual situation, and has no desire to learn a new approach in order to meet the desires of the other.

The conflict can stay at the difference-of-style level, and merely result in resentments, nagging, and such. Or it may rise to the level of judging the motives of each player, resulting in name calling, anger, bitterness, and lack of fellowship for a time. To be clear, there is no right or wrong individual in this situation. The messy is just as likely to be the one who becomes upset to the point of sin.

And all this can happen over the minor issue of how neat should a space is kept.

The reality is that the neat or messy inclination is probably deeply engrained into the nature of each person. Whether it is raw personality, upbringing, training, or experience, each has arrived at this point with plenty of resistance to change. What is the Christian solution?

I suppose that the answer "grace" will seem just too obvious and simple. But the reason I've suggested that this situation is a metaphor is this. Being clear that the other people in your life are programmed in certain ways that are highly resistant to change should give you more, not less, reason for grace. To the extent that you are unable to be graceful in your thinking, attitude, and actions regarding those who have conflicting needs, wants, or desires, the relationship will suffer. But the real loser in the situation will be you. The failure of grace in such situations goes right to stress, anxiety, and angst. All of these will push you towards other negative consequences like depression, stress related diseases, and distance from God.

If you are a messy, don't you want Grace from the neatnik in your life? Are you prepared to give them grace for their goals to keep things clean? Now apply this basic concept to almost any other conflict in life.

Last thought.  Grace does not imply acceptance of sinful behavior by others. It implies that you have an understanding of their difficulty in overcoming the sin, such that you are not going to be subject to negative consequences in your own life that come as a result of your attitude about their sin. 

Personality Test Results Give Practical Basis for Grace

I am inclined to be judgmental.  Please don't judge me.

My wife applied for a new job the other day. The company required that she take the personality test at http://16personalities.com as part of her application. When she read the results to me, we both marveled at how accurate they were, and laughed together about some of the descriptions. 

It was so much fun that my two adult sons (18 and 25) and I took the test, too. We were all going on a long drive together, and we took turns reading the results out loud as we drove along. Time and time again we were impressed how often the descriptions were spot on.

Turns out that I'm and ENFJ and the big bullet point for this type is "ENFJs take a great deal of pride and joy in guiding others to work together to improve themselves and their community." That is about as precise as one could be in describing my entire life building businesses, participating in church or community organizations, writing, and speaking. I get no greater joy in life than participating in the development of people (and things ... products, companies, books).

First of all, I'd recommend this test to anyone. Yes the first part is free and they will try and entice you to buy the rest of the results. We were able to resist that temptation, so can't help with any review of how good the paid portion is.

More importantly, we began to contemplate a bigger issue. If are personalities are this easy to derive from answering a series of questions, and if those closest to the individual can easily see the results as being largely true, it may follow that those personality traits are locked in pretty tight.  We may be able to improve on our strong points and work on the weak ones, but as the serenity prayer points out, it may be a wise choice to be okay with some things we are unlikely to change.

But how about the rest of the crowd. Can our friends, family, coworkers, bosses, and associates be content with those aspects of our personality that are hard wired and may not ever change by much. Would understanding that my over-the-top optimism and limited range of feelings is as hard to change in any meaningful way as my height or my eye color going to help keep my crowd from judging me harshly?

Well, one might think so.  Except, judgmentalism is one of those personality traits. So, if I have that personality trait, and I do, it is going to be hard for me to overcome that one.

I suppose this might have something to do with the whole "grace" thing. I may be inclined towards a certain negative trait, but Jesus in me is the solution. On the other hand, expecting grace from those who have the judgmental trait, especially if they are unsaved, is a real stretch. 

Bottom line for me? Understanding the mechanics of the other humans in my life appeals to the thinker/analyst in me, and should help me to be less judgmental in my flesh. Now I can appeal to the Holy Spirit to help me with the rest.

And you say?  Are you judgmental? Do you agree that these personality traits are hard wired?